Thursday, November 29, 2007

Why do I get depressed when I get sick? I have bronchitis and a sinus infection and a fever and body aches and somehow I am adding to it by bringing in some kind of self blame. A voice in my head says that it is somehow my fault that I have gotten sick and if I was "better" this wouldn't have happened. I am pretty sure normal people don't do that to themselves. I would never say or think that about any of my loved ones when they got sick. Why do I do it to myself?
It is a long habit from way back in my life. Any illness or injury that put me out of commission made me feel like I was letting the world down and I must be punished. Like being sick wasn't punishment enough.
I also know that I have a tendency to push myself and sometimes the only way to get some rest is when I get sick or injured.
I have alot to do. I have alot of letters to write for the holidays. I want to contact friends that I have been thinking about and remembering fondly
but who have dropped off my regular communication list. My friend Anne who took care of me when I was in a leg cast in college. I stayed with her for a while, she drove me to classes and doctor's appointments....then years later I was in her wedding. I have a letter from her in my purse right now, I have been planning to write her and tell her about my life for the past year. Now that I am sick I feel overwhelmed...
What would I tell a friend who felt like this?
I would say, "rest your mind and your body"
I would say, "be good to yourself"
I would say, "be still, it is good to be still"
I would say, "i love you just the way your are"
I would say, "you'll get it all done, just relax for now"
I would say, "i'll take care of you"

I am grateful for my loving husband who told me today he is "rediculously in love with me"
I made him say that again. I loved hearing it.
He made me tea and cinnamon toast last night. As children we both had that when we were sick and it was comforting.
I am grateful for Dr. Murphy who leans his soft, silky, silent self against me in bed and helps me to heal.
I am grateful for my friends who have taught me to love myself.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Not Separate

If we can really understand the problem, the answer will come out of it,
because the answer is not separate from the problem.
-J. Krishnamurti

Friday, November 16, 2007

Northern Night Sky

I walked out my door last night and said, "Oh Wow!" The stars were so bright against the pitch black sky that they took me by surprise.
I had been out walking earlier, and the sky had been a flat black/gray, a remnant from the rainy day that had passed.
The sky here is big. When I think those words to myself I usually follow it with the thought, "if this is big I wonder what Montana is like" And I hope someday to see, but I am in love with our sky. Day and night it takes my breath away. Big puffy clouds in a sea of blue or black eternity scattered with shining diamonds - I can never get enough of it.

Last night on my final walk, I made a wish for someone else. I sent a prayer up to the universe that my friend will know happiness and health. Just as I finished, a shooting star flew by - I hadn't planned to wish on a falling star, but the universe provided one for me, like a confirmation. I don't pray in general. I learned all the usual group prayers through years of Sunday School, and Catholic highschool, but I don't repeat them any more. I like to hear a group say them, and I let myself ride up on the wave of unity that is so rare in a world of struggling individuals.
I try to keep it simple and practice gratitude and acceptance. I say ThankYou to the universe that provides and the people who make my life rich. So when I prayed for someone else last night it was spontaneous and unusual for me. That falling star in a night sky that made me say WOW seemed special and worth writing about and remembering.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Morning Coffee

I love morning coffee. I never would have thought I would consider myself a morning person, but here I am. At night I look forward to my next morning in my studio with a steaming cup of coffee and the birds and squirrels doing their thing out in the world outside my window.

I particularly love morning coffee when there is no deadline.
No designated hour of departure for work, errands, commitments.

I love being alone and meditating. I love writing a letter to my friends or family in other worlds. I love watching the change of seasons.

Here comes a fat gray squirrel through the branches, making them bounce like a fierce storm. I guess he is not trying to sneak up on anyone.

When the leaves are off the trees it makes it much easier to see who has come for breakfast.

Last year we had a little jungle gym set up for squirrel acrobatics. We tied knots in a long piece of rope which we then wound among the lower branches of the maple tree outside my studio.
Through each knot we pushed a small nail and onto each nail we skewered a peanut. This provided many hours of entertainment and I believe attracted the flying squirrels who eventually became my friends.

I haven't seen the flying squirrels since March (baby season) but I have not been vigilant about putting out treats or standing outside and calling them with a handful of peanuts. Perhaps they think I have forgotten them.
I better get back to those duties ASAP.

Sunday, November 11, 2007


I am grateful for my loving husband.
I am grateful for my loving mother and all the time we had together this summer.
I am grateful for my sister, my brothers, my nieces and nephews.
I am grateful for my friends that love me just the way I am.
I am grateful for my beautiful puppy that teaches me everyday about unconditional love.
I am grateful I have a job I enjoy.
I am grateful I have a job where I am appreciated.
I am grateful I live in the most beautiful place in the world.
I am grateful for our warm cozy, safe home.
I am grateful for these days of relaxation and celebration.
I am grateful to be me.

The Loch Ness Beaver

Last night I spotted a beaver on the lake. It was my first ever in my life time of visiting a land where beavers are known as pests. I have longed for this sighting and despite my having a very good camera, in my hand at the time, I was not able to bag a decent photo.
I was standing on the walkway over the front of the house facing the lake. It was dusk and the lake was very still, with the reflection of trees and clouds and the silhouettes of trees naked in the winter air looking like sculpture. I saw something moving in the water, leaving a wake behind it. I tried to find the silhouette of a Loon, (there was a pair last weekend, still hanging around) but I could not find it. I looked through the camera lens. At 10X optical zoom I could not tell what it was, but I began to wonder if it was a fast moving water creature that was pushing a stick or a branch through the water....hmmmm....whatever could that be? My camera has an additional 10x digital zoom, but then the picture bounces around alot, and I was trying to shoot between trees, at dusk, on the was a nightmare. What I wound up getting was THE LOCH NESS BEAVER. An out of focus, shadowy water creature. I am 99% sure it is a beaver. The more I look at the shadows, the more I can see the shape of the head, the dark place where the ears should be and the branch being pushed ahead of the little aquatic engineer.

I did try to get closer. I was standing on the outside walkway in my crocs, no socks, a t-shirt and pajama pants. I took off, trying not to slip on the ice (yes ICE) that was the result of the snow melting the day before (yes SNOW) I scurried down the hillside toward the water, making as much noise as a heard of bear doing a jig. The beaver heard me obviously, and moved further out into the water and was heading down stream fast. I tried to follow along the shore line, but I was ill equipped to trudge through leaves, and fallen trees and rough terrain. I was also frozen! Crocs without socks and PJs....not exactly the best gear for hunting.

I am posting the picture with my apologies for the lack of detail and I swear it is a beaver moving swiftly down stream to the enormous den I know is just around the bend.

Friday, November 9, 2007

Birthday Festivities

It is officially not my birthday any more, but I come from the school of the week long (sometimes month long) celebration of my birth. A single day in the life of an adult doesn't seem to really cover it.

I am celebrating with a few days off in the woods on the lake. My favorite place in the universe. with my darling husband who is coming out after work, and my delicious puppy.

It snowed the night before my birthday so the high elevations have a lovely little blanket. My Golden Retriever and I had a lovely trip into the woods today and I took some nice photos.
My boss was telling me that if I started going out with my camera hunting the deer, I would wind up a shooter too.
I seriously doubt that.

When I know how to operate this blog more completely I will do something more interesting in the blog.
OK got to rest, more festivities tomorrow!

Monday, November 5, 2007

Saving Daylight

Who invented daylight savings time? Who decided that we should be plunged into darkness even earlier than the shorter winter days already hand out? Would it be so terrible if we didn't turn our clocks back?

I HATE daylight savings time. I think it is a pompous, patronizing, archane mechanism left over from the days of wood stoves, and children who walked for an hour to school through the dark cold mornings - not riding around in their BMWs like teenagers today.

Now I AM a fan of wood stoves and walking to school. Slow the world down a bit. Even the playing field for children. I walked to school every day from Kindergarden to 6th grade when I moved away and couldn't walk to school because the local schools were not adequate and I was sent to private school and forced to wear plaid skirts - but that is a rant for another day.
When I was in first grade through 6th, I walked to school in blizzards. I walked backward down the hill with scarves wrapped around my head and sometimes I pulled down my wool hat and breathed into the hat to warm my face. I never had ear muffs. I always wanted them. Boots made me feet hot, hats made my head hot, wool made my skin itch, and yet, I still love winter.

So I would like to lead a revolution against the institution of daylight savings time. I would like to refuse to set my clock back and lead the huddled masses into the daylight. Who ARE we saving the daylight for if not for ourselves? Don't we work hard? Don't we deserve the daylight?

Do Europeans have daylight savings time? They take siestas and have high tea. How did we get so uncivilized?