Why do I get depressed when I get sick? I have bronchitis and a sinus infection and a fever and body aches and somehow I am adding to it by bringing in some kind of self blame. A voice in my head says that it is somehow my fault that I have gotten sick and if I was "better" this wouldn't have happened. I am pretty sure normal people don't do that to themselves. I would never say or think that about any of my loved ones when they got sick. Why do I do it to myself?
It is a long habit from way back in my life. Any illness or injury that put me out of commission made me feel like I was letting the world down and I must be punished. Like being sick wasn't punishment enough.
I also know that I have a tendency to push myself and sometimes the only way to get some rest is when I get sick or injured.
I have alot to do. I have alot of letters to write for the holidays. I want to contact friends that I have been thinking about and remembering fondly but who have dropped off my regular communication list. My friend Anne who took care of me when I was in a leg cast in college. I stayed with her for a while, she drove me to classes and doctor's appointments....then years later I was in her wedding. I have a letter from her in my purse right now, I have been planning to write her and tell her about my life for the past year. Now that I am sick I feel overwhelmed...
What would I tell a friend who felt like this?
I would say, "rest your mind and your body"
I would say, "be good to yourself"
I would say, "be still, it is good to be still"
I would say, "i love you just the way your are"
I would say, "you'll get it all done, just relax for now"
I would say, "i'll take care of you"
I am grateful for my loving husband who told me today he is "rediculously in love with me"
I made him say that again. I loved hearing it.
He made me tea and cinnamon toast last night. As children we both had that when we were sick and it was comforting.
I am grateful for Dr. Murphy who leans his soft, silky, silent self against me in bed and helps me to heal.
I am grateful for my friends who have taught me to love myself.